Me speaking to myself

[Multiple screens brighten on my face, Hiding the light inside

Pupil learns to close the gate, the brightness was too dark to sight

A someone from behind knock on the door

Wanting to see what on the floor,

I peeked through the tiny space

Finding a mirror, none the less

The darkness around kept falling down

Reckoning a life breaking from the ground

As I part the way aside

Finally saw that face inside]

Can you agree with me that we can find a friend within Ourself. (Think for a moment…. Mmm ). Okay, I believe we all get to know that there is someone at some point in our life. Some get to know while they're trying to find and some find while getting to know themselves.

It may sound a bit preachy and weird when you hear that someone speaking with themselves. The very first thought that came to your mind is what's wrong with that person, which is obvious. But the speaking I am talking about do not have a real voice, and if there is no voice, there no way people can hear it. If they are not listening, they are not judging. So, I guess it's fine if you're speaking with yourself under this illusion.

Speaking of illusion, do you believe that our personalities are in a constant change of motion? Psychologist call the process "personality maturation” which can be gradual or imperceptible changes. Moreover, which is most likely to be found during the teenage period. Before 15, I would not have believed then, I will have a change in personality. I believe in my one to 15 years, I never felt shy to speak about anything and it was fun excepts for those few encounters with the girls which is pretty much unavoidable in anyone's life, I knew that because I wasn't the only boy in my class.  As we all came across on the same boat to get here. Then, things stated to change after 16; I started being disjointed with the surroundings. I did not like to be in any conversations so I started avoiding them, and with time I somehow created this invisible wall around myself like a cocoon that prevented me from understanding what happening outside. So, I guess it just happen an expiry for the old me, and a new different me got born; quite an irony, if I have to say.

I have this hypothesis, which suggested that the friend you find in yourself is not the one you created but the one to cradle before you. How many of you have a secret place or say you go to place? Mine is the roof top, whenever I feel down or like to be stay by myself; I stayed at the highest point in my house which happen to be top of the water tank.  I often spoke or more appropriate to say I converse with myself while I write watching the sky leaving every shapes of cloud before me. I would spends hours and still it will be like a moment ago… relativity of time. All the thoughts I have at that point of time gets jumbled and slowly I arrange them just like an anagram.

There had been many interesting conversations. One conversation I had was in a form of letter.  I wrote a letter to myself, and here's how it goes

"Dear me,

 Am I offending you for being affectionate to something you lack? Over the concise of what you want, please tell me, I want to help you. If you confine and fear the question even before learning what you need to ask, what's become the reason to learn? If you mull over the question over and over again, the answer will becomes the question itself, so instead of struggling over the reasoning just have an answer and move on to the next one. Or, maybe you're afraid to hear the answer knowing it's not what you wanted, and against it you try overwriting the question just to prevent you from accepting the answer.

The State you are in is a very different and difficult, it expresses vibrantly and I understand that. I know the one you are looking for won't be able to understand who you really are, it's harsh but avoiding the answers to the question you have won't clear the doubts if that confession happen to end with an IF.

Not fighting sometimes becomes the hardest things to do. You just need to carry your thoughts and disclose it before killing it."

I'm sure that the old me is somewhere inside of me and enlightening me whenever I feel the need. For me, it’s been kind of a love hate relationship. It is funny to say I'm alone yet I feel complete. There are always a lot of thoughts running across our mind and many uncertainties which dilute the choices from which we have to make a decision. The choices we make may not always comes to our favor. I do get confuse every once a while and frankly speaking i have had taken some wrong decisions but it never felt like a burden because the time i spent then and now with myself have gifted a lot. I feel you become the strongest and weakest in all when the room inside is all you.